My partner and I have been swinging for about five years and added BDSM into our play about a year ago. I LOVE IT…and that’s the problem. I want to go further in BDSM play and my partner does not. When I bring up my fantasies and play hopes, my partner downplays my desires and kind of “kink shames” me. Any advice?
Robert Replies
Let’s start at the end first. Your fantasies and desires are fine! I am sorry that you feel shamed and want to assure you that they are typical and healthy. Remember, to paraphrase Margaret Truman: “Nobody can shame you without your help.” In other words, don’t buy into their fears and biases and make them yours.
I’m guessing that the shaming messages you are getting from your partner are based on their own fears, shame and/or biases. One component of the resolution of this impasse might be to start the conversation by talking with them about the basis for their thinking, not your behavior. A conversation is always my first line of resolution.
While this particular situation is based on differing desires around BDSM play, it really could be about any activity or experience that one partner wants and the other resists; travel, sports, etc.
Some people would advise that any relationship flourishes through partners engaging in “the lowest (or highest) common denominator of interests. I tend to disagree when it comes to more primal needs like D/s sex. Once that bell has been rung, it can’t be unrung.
Now for the harder part. Since you say that you have been swinging for five years, I assume you are not strangers to non-monogamous sex. It sounds like your BDSM sex has been between you and your partner. If true, is it possible that your partner is at their limit of what they are willing to do and are afraid you will seek more kink elsewhere? If not, perhaps they are jealous of how someone else satisfies you. It might be a good idea to explore these possibilities in a loving way through conversation.
I have Dommed a woman for years whose husband does not feel comfortable doing impact play himself but loves to watch his spouse with me. And yes, we do impact play and much more. He completely trusts me. This method has worked to simultaneously satisfy her needs for kink while safely meeting his needs and boundaries. This may be an option for you.
In closing, let me again suggest a loving conversation as a means to resolution. I’m guessing that you both are feeling fear and judgement. This can be resolved through creative and considerate conversation and finding mutually acceptable actions.
