I am a single woman who regularly attends a couple of local swingers clubs. There is usually a combination of a few single women, a bunch of couples and lots of single men. That’s my problem: while I would like to meet some nice single guys and also play with couples, I am constantly approached by creepy single guys of all ages who try to monopolize my attention and immediately want to have sex, I know you are going to ask me how they are creepy, so here are a few examples: staring at me for a half an hour from across the room, edging out someone I am talking with, touching me before I am ready, asking for sex without giving me a name and/or approaching me with multiple partners. I’m a bit new at all this, I love sex and am open to exploration. A little help, please!

Robert Replies

You are not alone! Virtually every single (and most coupled) woman I know has made the same complaint. A little context might help:

Of course, non-monogamous sex has been around forever, but Swinging (with a capital S) really started in the late 60’s as a defined activity. Originally it was also sexistly called “wife-swapping” because it was mostly a phenomenon of friendly couples exchanging partners in a semi-organized way, often at parties. This advanced to newsletters with surreptitious advertisements and eventually to internet sites, clubs and cruises. And here we are today.

What has changed to bring about your complaint is the evolving club scene. Clubs usually allow both single and coupled people of all genders. This has resulted in many clubs and web sites being inundated with single men. This is very different from the original idea of Swinging as an activity primarily between couples who already knew each other. Many others and I hesitate to describe any organized sexual relationships as swinging if they do not include at least one couple. I know that many people would disagree with me. I’m not against all the other variations, I just prefer other names for the activity. To your problem:

  • Stop going to venues that allow an unlimited number of single men. Many clubs reduce single men participants by charging them a fee. A few single men who paid may be easier to manage.
  • Perhaps you could make your primary method of meeting to be through websites. Virtually all of them allow you to block or reduce certain groups of people.
  • Swingers cruises and trips tend to attract a safer group and fewer weirdos. There will also typically be more group activities and safe methods of interacting.
  • Bring a friend! Two single women together are able to support each other better and provide screening. I know a single woman who has a platonic swinger partner who often attends clubs with her. I also know couples who are glad to be a thruple for a night with a single woman. Elizabeth and I have done this many times.
  • Last, you may be being too polite. It may help to practice saying no and politely moving away from unwanted advances.

I know my answers may seem simplistic and very male-centric. I believe this is an important topic and would love to hear from more of you about your experiences and suggestions.